Academic Subjectivity; A Writer's Losing Game.
An Example of Copywriting in 200 Words - Saving Money on Car Insurance

Getting the best deal on your car insurance is never an easy feat. Insurance is a word that’s not lightly thrown around, we know that we need it, but so often all the numbers and small print can make our heads spin. What we need is someone to gather the facts, tips and tricks and place them conveniently into one reliable resource pot. Before surrendering your money to one persuasive company, it may be wise to first take a ladle-full of advice from the resource pot and bear the following points in mind:

Don’t be tempted to pay your car insurance monthly, while small chunks might seem more affordable, it’ll cost you more in the long run, and you may end up paying around 24% interest at the end of the year. Instead choose an annual option.

Use comparison sites. Yes, their adverts might make you want to tear out your eyes and cram silly putty in your ears, but price comparison sites are honest in what they do and will help to narrow down your options.

Mention security devices. Insurance companies will often lower the price of insurance if you ensure that your vehicle is armed with security. 

Media Sponges

Shades of culture, love stories sublime

litter our shelves, plant roots in our core;

rubber fuel for the disjointed mind.

Hands and heartstrings writhe limply for more

of the toxic placebo, alluring to man.

As lyrics and pictures flash by in the night,

consoling ourselves, we take what we can.

Bathing in synthetic light

and dying to be just as bright.

I WANT BREAD SO BADLY. THAT IS ALL.
Breaking the Laws of Science

Breaking the Laws of Science

Chapter 1

It had been a blustery morning in late June and after riding many miles, David stood with his hands in his pockets looking up at the towering laboratory. Purple clouds were congregating directly above and sensing that rain was imminent, David took a deep breath and threw himself against the rusted doors. A few hard shoves and the hinges flew off, releasing a warm smell of mould and dust which greeted his nose. He stepped to his alphabike and lugged its heavy mass inside the building to avoid rain damage. The laboratory at Norwich had little changed since the place was abandoned after a fire had broken out during its last months as a working establishment in 2064.  The floor was dark and ripped up. Damp had taken over the building, the walls were black and the roof had large gaping cracks and gaps where the ceiling had collapsed.  Heaving his alphabike to a safe, dry corner of the ground floor, David heard the growling of thunder from outside and quickly took the paper from inside his coat pocket. Scrawled on the paper in his own hand was a transcript of the message that David had received from a long lost friend the week previously. The hologram message had been distorted and fragmented, but David had distinguished a place and a date to meet amongst the incoherency. John Coleman had been an old school friend, gifted and with an unbridled passion for physics, he had always left David in the academic dust. No matter how separate their paths became as they grew up; John became a particle physicist for the British Organisation for Nuclear Research while David became a solicitor, John would always have time for David, until one day, John Coleman disappeared from the face of the earth. The holomessage that David had received only a week ago had been the first time that he had seen his friend’s face or heard his voice in over six years.

Along with a date and location, David had scribbled down what he thought may be instructions upon arriving at the laboratory. ‘Third floor down,’ he read as the stepped with much trepidation over broken floorboards and proceeded to tread carefully down a staircase descending into darkness. As he approached the third floor, his eyes were met by a dim light which became gradually brighter as he reached the floor level. In a shadowed corner of the room, he caught sight of someone moving.

    “John? Is that you?”

The figure spun round, obscenely large headphones covered both sides of his head. He threw them off and made a sprint towards David.

    “David! Oh my corriclopse brother, you’ve barely aged a day! I knew you’d come! Thank you!” A warm embrace met David and he smiled, reciprocating with utmost glee “Thank you for coming. Excuse this awful place.”

Once relinquished from his friend’s grasp, David realised with surprise that the white lights lit up a laboratory the size of half a football field. Test tubes, papers and an abundance of machines ranging from the tiny to the gigantic comprised the enormous work space.  Behind David’s careful footsteps, John shuffled uncomfortably, fixing his gaze on his friend’s slow movements. He cleared his throat.

    “Well, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do ol’ buddy,” David began. “Maybe you could start with where you’ve been for the past six years? Have you been down here?”

    “I’ve been here for four years in total. I found the place shortly after BONR dismissed me from the project, and I’ve spent around four of the six years working between these walls.” He detected a look of confusion on his friend’s face. “Oh yes, they got rid of me. I understand that they told the press that I volunteered to quit after health problems. They fired me, David. They thought I was mad, and they didn’t like to be challenged.”

John began to move slowly around a desk, its wooden top invisible for scrap paper coverage, notes, scribbles, diagrams and formulaic equations were scrawled over every page. He took a deep breath.

    “When we discovered the Quaxon-Beta proton, my superiors overlooked it as another simple newly found particle, its existence was appreciated, but unimportant: just another harmless component of the Quark-gluon plasma. I, I saw something more in it. I was certain that there was something that we had missed about it, something important. No one would listen to me, I didn’t have the authority to challenge what the majority had decided, so I stayed up all night, most nights, yes without permission, working with the company machines, experimenting. A few things went wrong, I may have broken equipment here and there, but they soon deemed me irrational and unreasonable, threw me out and told me to get help. I tell you, I thought it was a conspiracy. “

John began to rummage through the papers until he found a page with a large amount of equations and mathematics that no ordinary man could begin to comprehend. The numbers were accompanied by a drawing of a cube with wires and satellites and all kinds of paraphernalia attached to it. John eagerly handed the paper to David.

    “John, wh’, what is all this?”

    “David,” he began, his eyes overbearingly large in his pale face, “Time travel is possible. I cracked it.”

Unable to speak and unsure whether to believe, David couldn’t help but stare blankly back.

    “I’ve been in this laboratory for around four years of the six because I have been dipping in and out of the past for an approximate total of two years. David, you have to believe me. I’ve done it, and I can’t tell anyone. I won’t tell anyone. It’s my discovery, I found a way because of my own stubbornness and hard labour and I intend to have some fun with it before I tell any sort of authority.”

David believed. “Y, you’ve found a way to go back in time? From messing around with that particle?” John nodded slowly and grinned.

    “Let me show you the machines.” He walked ahead and motioned with a grin for David to follow him to the far corner of the laboratory where two large boxes, similar to the diagram were stood. “These are my two babies. The Proton-Flux Quaxulators, or the Time Boxes as I like to call them.”

The machines were around seven feet tall and approximately six feet wide. They were made almost entirely from some sort of platinum material, except for a glass hole which David supposed was a kind of window.

    “I based the manual operative system on old science fiction books that I had read and that ancient ‘Back to the Future’ film, did you ever see that?” David shook his head, “never mind. I thought that you and I could perhaps try the machine together, have some fun in the past together. We could go back to our school years and watch ourselves, or we could go back to when our parents met, or anything you want! The possibilities are limitless!”

    “What about the whole chaos theory thing.” David interrupted heavily. “What if we do something to alter the future?”

    “Already considered and remedied, my friend. You see, after I had cracked the basic formulae in order to travel at the right time at the right temperature with the correct combination of protons, I worked out a way to bend body mass and consistency, a process which was easier when also bending the speed of light and time. By bending the transparency of our forms, we emerge in the chosen time zone practically invisible. It’s brilliant. In all the times I’ve gone back, I might have been seen three times. You wanna try it?” John asked, brimming with excitement. 

David hesitated and glanced nervously around the room, “N, now? Do you not want a cup of tea? Reminisce on old times for a few hours before we break the laws of nature?”

     “We can drink people’s hundred year old tea when we get there, and if we find somewhere noisy, no one will hear us reminiscing. Come on chum, on with this body suit.” John threw David a metallic silver jumpsuit, “Just throw it on over your clothes. No need to take off shoes. Oh, and just swallow this pill for me.”

    “What on earth is that for?” David remarked as he stumbled getting his foot into the suit.

    “It enables transparency. I’ll try to ensure that we materialize somewhere that we won’t be seen: it’ll take the massflexer pill a while to fully kick in. In you go, keep your feet on the markers.”

Swallowing the little blue pill, David was reluctantly pushed into the time box and watched with crippling apprehension as John fiddled with a few levers and buttons from the outside of the machine. The inside of the box also displayed buttons of a similar style to the exterior, and now a resonant beeping announced red descending numbers falling from twenty on a black screen ahead. David could only watch, paralysed with fright as John popped his pill and zipped his jumpsuit, flashed an open mouth grin and a thumbs-up before climbing into his own Time Box. When the numbers reached zero, David felt a strange sensation of electricity creeping up his spine and through his limbs, while the beeping had become a high pitched tone. He wasn’t sure whether he had initially shut his eyes deliberately or whether something external had forced him to do so, but a cold breeze licking at his neck demanded that he opened them with a start. He was lying on his side in an unfamiliar field. The smell of straw and dirt forced him to get up and regard his surroundings. He heard a groan to his left and turned to see John, heaving himself up from the ground.

    “Well, another success.” he congratulated himself. “David, my boy, how are you feeling? Nauseous? Don’t worry, I did a little when I first bent the laws of physics.” He raised a finger and held it to the wind. “The year is 1999. If I have set the machines correctly, it should be December 31st and we should be somewhere on outskirts of Cambridge. I thought we could ring in the current Millennia.”

David held his head and observed the onset of night. In the distance, steeples and buildings could be seen and the red sun’s light, reflected from a church’s coloured window was fading behind the greying clouds. He checked his body, he noticed that the jumpsuit that he vaguely remembered putting on was not to be seen, and instead he looked down upon his usual attire.

    “You won’t be able to see the suit.” remarked John, observing his puzzled friend, “It is there, but not as you know it. Well, I believe that the massflexer pill has kicked in. Shall we make our way to town? No one will see us, no one will hear us if we’re careful”

The two invisible time travellers made their way across the field and into the unsuspecting town of Cambridge. They caught up on old times, commented on the fashion as modelled by 20th century youths and chatted about the absolute miracle that they were currently enjoying the use of.

    “You say that you’ve been seen by past people.” David began, “what happened? How did you get away with it?”

    “Well, if you remember, hundreds of years ago, people were under the delusion of religion. In England, Christianity was the most popular religion, and even those who were not religious often believed in the occult.” David nodded in agreement. “Well part of the belief was that dead people could come back in a transparent form called a spectre or a ghost.”

    “Oh!” gasped David, “I remember reading all about this!”

    “When people thought that they saw something that they couldn’t explain, something would trigger in their brains and they would believe that they had seen a dead loved one or a ghost or a poltergeist, a semi-invisible illusion of the eye.” John’s expression darkened. “I must explain, David, that while this is fascinating, I have in fact walked into something far greater than I ever imagined.”

The two men walked unnoticeable through the crowded streets of Cambridge, abundant with people preparing to bring in the New Year. Warm taverns bustled and men swigged bottles of beer down alley ways. The cold air reeked of festivity, and while every pedestrian was wrapped in thick coats and scarves, John and David walked fairly comfortably through the icy weather in shirts and spring wear.

    “When someone first saw me and interpreted my form as a ghost, I realised that it was by playing on the beliefs of the past that I would be able to easily forgive mishaps and visibility. Then it occurred to me that with my recent discovery in mind, there was no real way of distinguishing so called religious spectres of the past from potential time travellers.  Throughout future ages, time travellers just like us might have forever been the materialisations of the illusions that people of the past called ‘ghosts’.”

    “So ultimately,” reasoned David, “even with precautions taken, we have still altered the past in adding to a subgenre of religion.”

    “We have, and while we may cause trouble for a few centuries back, science, as always will prove everything right in the end. I just wish there was some way that I could identify fellow time folk. In my travels, I haven’t yet seen anyone transparent or suspicious looking. Perhaps we will develop time travel further, so that future beings can materialise completely undetectable. I guess I have no choice but to share my findings; the fate of my discovery has been decided in my own hypothesis.”

John sighed and looked up at the city clock. It was five to twelve, and people seemed to storm the streets. The scene had become almost unbearably loud. David scrunched up his face in discomfort at being in the center of the noisy, inebriated masses. John grabbed hold of David’s arm.

    “We depart at two minutes past twelve! Hold your ground and try to appreciate the moment!” John shouted over the murmur of the crowd.

In eternal tradition, as the seconds ticked down, the people of Cambridge counted down in unison. “SIX, FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE, HAPPY NEW YEAR!” Fireworks began to explode over the rooftops of the surrounding buildings and groups of people gathered together to sing songs and hold each other. The streets were filled with a undeniable aura of good cheer and merriment as music played from the open windows, making the cold night feel that little less bitter. John eyed up a large frothy pint of lager which was being passed around a circle of men. 

    “I wouldn’t mind one of those when we get back.” He glanced up at the clock, observing the hands inching closer to two minutes past. “…Which should be right about now, my friend. Are you ready?”

David nodded hesitantly as the people bustled around them. He was certain that if he was to scream, no one would hear him within the madness. David watched as the clock hand reached the top, and again the familiar chill of electricity rushed down his spine. A fade of white met his closing eyes as his limbs began to feel heavier, as though the flesh was expanding in his skin. A mild but sharp pain flew through his body, shooting through the skull momentarily, and when he came to open his eyes, David was met by the dim lights of the laboratory and the buttons fixed on the inside of the Proton-Flux Quaxulators.  Upon stumbling out of the machine, he noticed with a light head that the silver jumpsuit had become visible once again, and he went about removing it, nearly falling in the process. Leaning on the Time Box while holding his head, David suddenly became very aware of the stillness of the laboratory, the absence of noise, the unmoved dust filtering the air. Focussing his vision, he cupped his hands, regarding the dimly lit counterpart machine only to find that his searching eyes were met by no friendly comforting face, no body or limbs coming to life within the space of the box, John was not there. 

Eat Your Heart Out, Molly Bloom

Rich tea biscuits, slippers and marshmallows. I’m thirsty, could do with a cup of tea. Cottages in Cornwall. Onion on the salmon? Really? Oh internships, get back to me please. I’m so rubbish at everything, no one wants me. Stupid A-level results, I hate life, I wonder if people would be begging to have me if I had all A’s? Oh I want to go on holiday! How much are these cottages in Scotland? ARGARGH too much! I’m going to have such an awful summer, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m losing control. I’ve eaten too much today. Why did mum encourage me to eat those profiteroles. Oh bad Kathryn. Too much, you’re supposed to be losing weight. You’re two pounds heavier than you usually are and three or four pounds heavier than you’d like to be. Why haven’t you done your jump-boots today? Nothing stopped you. Yes you’ve got a cold, but when on earth has that ever stopped you doing anything before. You’re lazy. Kathryn, eat some green beans with dinner? Oh I don’t want to. Please, dad bought two packets. Oh fine. They don’t go with my quinoa. I’m already having spinach and peas and onions in with it too. I suppose I’d better look at life with rose tinted glasses, sometimes it’s best to live in some state of oblivion, or denial. Yes, everything’s going to be just fine, I’ll find a job eventually, it’s just that it probably won’t be my perfect job, where I work in some delightful fantasy world working three days a week writing whatever the hell I want for myself. I shouldn’t be writing this, I should be writing my science fiction piece. I’ve written about three hundred words since early afternoon, slowly does it. I know now why I so often get feedback on my work which states that my writing progresses too slowly for the word count. Maybe that really will go in my favour should I ever try to write a masterpiece to obnoxiously send to a publisher only to be grievously offended when they reject my work. You, you don’t want to publish it? What’s wrong with it? You can’t be telling me that I’m a poor writer. Writing is the only thing I’m good at. There has to be something vaguely special about my writing or I’m nothing, I’ll just evaporate into thin air if someone criticised too harshly. Oh I’m so pathetic, I shouldn’t think like that, I need to be able to take criticism of my written babies and develop them like the strong minded professional that I should strive to become. Oh well, maybe I’ll just make my fortune with my new found talent for remembering people’s eye colour. I’m amazing at that, never got one wrong. Wow, that’s sad. THAT’s your talent? Most people have talents playing instruments or doing sports, cooking amazing meals, none of which you can do, well, you don’t need to because your talent is remembering people’s eye colour. I mean where would the future of man kind be if you weren’t on the planet.

Promise Me

As I embark this great ship,
will you promise that it shall not sink.
Past ships have fallen to the depths and
the ocean floor is craving more.


Do you promise that we’ll alight
to visit foreign markets, so quaint,
and that I may not fall short to the quick tongue
of the yeller and item seller. 


Can you ensure that the waves will not
crash onto the deck as I stroll, nor will
the winds be so harsh as to sweep me out
so afraid, into the abyss of jade.


Can you promise that when I look out
from an submerged window, observing
aquatic life, I will not instead see Death, scythe wielding.
A black praying mantis, bidding a curse to Atlantis

Siany Pecker and the Philosopher’s Schlong. -A Parody of Obscure Humour.

I wrote this at the age of about seventeen while in college. It’s a Harry Potter parody written about my class mate, (as one can establish by the title.) I used to sit in the huge computer room on my own during my free periods typing away in hysterics.  I hope that after five years, three of which spent at university, my writing style, format, vocab, syntax ect have improved greatly, but reading it back today still makes me laugh.  -Sorry, more obscure humour, clearly. 





Chapter 1



One day there was a girl called Sian. She had purple hair and there was something special about her..
One afternoon she came home from college and realized that there was a letter for her. The envelope said;

Miss McSian Peck
Oregon Road (or something)
The second draw down in Mrs. Peck’s chest of draws next to her bedside.
Finchampstead.

“Wow” She exclaimed as she admired the red wax sealed envelope. She opened it and read the words of the letter;

“Dear misses Sian.
Hello. I am an owley man. Welcome to your invitation to Hogwanks school of ‘whitchecraaft’ and Whizaardriey’.
So yea, you can come.”

“Amazing!” she shouted out loud. A lot of things happened, and in a few months she was at Hogwanks. The school sickened her before she had even stepped into her first class. Dead cats lined the corridor and mouse tails were lobbed into ones face by retarded and disabled men whenever one turned a corner. “What a revolting place” she muttered to herself. The first thing required of the new students was to attend a ridiculous meeting in the ‘graaende hawl’. The hall was a disgusting place, which was covered in dust, cobwebs and bloodstains. Piled in the corner of the room were hundreds upon hundreds of rotting corpses of young boys and girls and once mentally retarded men.

A bearded, misshapen and frail looking old man stepped forward. He was dressed shabbily in some smelly looking black trousers and a maroon sweater, on top of which was a large and thick, dusty looking navy cape, which was embellished with yellow moons and stars. His hands, grey and wrinkled, raised up to the ceiling, contrary to his arms which merely stood out from his body like a sign post attached to the wall a shop. On the arrival of his presence, everyone fell silent. He opened his mouth wide and screamed like a girl. After doing so, he grumbled in a deep and husky voice, ” I aaaamm DoomebelCartdore! I have a chocolaty centre and I am made of horse pipes. I am your headhumper, and I shall be teaching you whitchecraaft and whizaardriey.” He cleared his throat and muttered “Roffel.” The students spontaneously rejoiced and wailed with uncontrollable and unexplainable glee. They were overjoyed for some reason unknown to everyone in the room. DoomebelCartdore announced triumphantly “Let the Hagrid begin!” And suddenly music filled the air! An orchestra abruptly started playing from absolutely nowhere. It was quite amazing! Of course the tune was just like the Harry Potter theme song, but it couldn’t have been, after all, this is Hogwanks, not Hogwarts. It was officially all good.



Initially McSian was very happy, and so were all the other students until it became apparent that the music they had been introduced to at the start of the year was not going to stop. It played all day and all night, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. The students were particularly distressed because of the continuous music, and as a result of it’s constant repetition many of them hadn’t slept in weeks and weeks. The music became much louder at night and only became a little quieter when in lessons, as soon as the pupils came out of lessons It’d become a lot louder and even occasionally speed up . Should any student dare complain about the consistent noise the terrible tune would become louder yet! Siany P felt ill as she walked around the school watching students crippled on the floor, grabbing at the bricks of the walls as if they were food. Some had begun frothing at the mouth and some had begun talking in tongues while rolling around mindlessly on the floor. Many were busy climbing the roof of the tallest fort to jump off. “I have to make like a crap and get out of here” Sian thought.





Chapter 2


It wasn’t long before Siany P was planning her way out of the horrendous prison she had been sent to. The music continued long into the night as she mapped out her nearest escape route. She would simply sneak past mister McFridge’s Dragonfly and seventy two headed dog, and out into the Hogwanks grounds and escape.

Sian stared out the window longingly. In the distance, she could see more piles of rotting corpses mounded high in numerous locations dotted around the disgusting school ground. Stinking and decomposing. “Why are there so many piles of bodies everywhere?” she pondered. The music continued. On and on and on and on and on. Forever and ever. On her right her friend Wilhelmina was considering throwing herself out of the window. She sat shaking, her hair a thin and wild mess from constant tearing and fidgeting.

Suddenly the dormitory door burst open with an awful slam, and in rushed DoomebelCartdore, the bearded old fool flung himself on the floor at the foot of Sian’s bed as quick as a flash. Sian was puzzled and startled. From the position that she sat she could not see the face of the withered, frail man, and so she edged towards the end of her bed to check if the poor fellow was still alive. As she approached, his horrid pale face shot up from the floor and gave a blood curdling owl-like screech. His eyes glared orange into hers. She said nothing, and feeling physically sick, sat back on her bed. DoomebelCartdore rose up swiftly from the bed, and stared at the purple haired girl. They held eye contact for a little while, with nothing but the sickening constant tune as interference. He then swished back his navy star and moon patterned cape, and exited quickly.

Without even attempting to analyse her own emotional discomfort, Sian curled up under the covers. The song rattling in her head. She remained wide awake for many hours, only to sleep for but thirty minutes. Suddenly she heard a loud clash outside. She looked outside the window, and observed as DoomebelCartdore and Misses McMaggot throwing corpses onto the rotting pile. She watched for a great deal of time, before noticing that Wilhelmina had vanished. Upon acknowledging her friend’s absence, and feeling a chill down her spine, she decided that she should continue planning her escape. This was no ordinary school. Not only had she been taught absolutely nothing of ‘whitchecraaft’ and Whizaardriey’, but she had instead been taught how to hammer a screwdriver into another’s cranium.



Sian decided finally that the best time to escape the school probably wouldn’t be a day when the two Headhumpers were adding to the growing pile of rotting corpses out in the grounds. She saw even from the window, the glimmer of excitement which filled DoomebelCartdore’s face as he heaped the final, and somewhat familiar body on top of the steaming mound.





Chapter 3


In the early morning, Sian quietly snuck down to the dinner hall. Perhaps this could be her chance to escape. It wouldn’t be long until the music started playing at it’s loudest and awoke the delirious students..

Down the stairs she crept. Praying and hoping that DoomebelCartdore was fast asleep and not trying to kill someone within her vicinity. It proved to be quite a miracle as to how she managed to actually keep herself from screaming, as even at night the Hogwanks castle is still a rather terrible and revolting place. Even in the dead of silent morning horrid happening were still occurring. She darted round a bending stairway only to pass a headless rabbit lying next to a small puddle of whitish transparent liquid. A little way down the staircase sat a naked man whose appearance was dishevelled and malnourished. He gazed up at her as she sped by with hungry pained eyes, and a sickening smile.

She picked up speed and flew down the corridor and into the ‘Graaende Hawl’ where the stinking corpses were piled.

The pile had grown taller. Fresh bodies added to the heap. This only confirmed Sian’s escape for her. She made a dash for the great oak doors. She was so close, she could no more control the thud of her shoes against the cold blood stained floor. Just a little further and she’d be free once more! Beyond this door stood the open fields leading down towards the lake, from there on, she’d be on foot, she’d swim if need be, just as long as she got away from this repulsive school.



As she approached rapidly, the music seemed to become a great deal louder, and faster, more and more instruments joined together in a great and somewhat final crescendo. The feeling was so great, she would escape, just on time! Barely a foot away from the door, she stopped. She felt the eyes of something watching her. She wouldn’t have dared stop, but the feeling was so terrifying that it would have been impossible not to do so. She turned slowly, so desperate not to see anything. Praying that the thing behind her would not be a crazy old coot by the name of DoomebelCartdore. With one quick jolt, she spun round, eyeing the huge room suspiciously. The pile of corpses remained still and stinking. Nothing.

With this sense of security and incomparable ecstasy she threw open the doors and ran. She ran out onto the field out into the fresh tune-less air. The music stopped. Relief spread all over her body, and she darted around the grassy dark abyss for what seemed like a lifetime. So wonderful it was to be relieved of the horrendous music! No more must she endure sleepless nights, tormented fellow students or a permanent headache! With no background noise she was free to listen.

Gradually, a new feeling over came her. The silence of the open hills began to get louder. Louder and louder. The unbearable silence shook through her head like a terrible death metal drum beat. She had to get back inside! Quickly! If she didn’t, she’d surely die! She made a furious dash back to the open door which remained ajar from her escape. She threw herself inside and lobbed the door closed, locking it tightly as she did so. She turned her back to the oak, and breathed a great sigh of relief. The rotting corpses were a welcome view, and the horrendous stench of dead animals reminded her of her school.

She slowly walked through the hall and back down the winding corridors back to the dormitory, the frail withered man she had passed while fleeing to the hall was sprawled dead on the stairs. She glared, grinning at his body in sick adoration, before smiling and continuing upstairs. 

At the top of the staircase stood DoomebelCartdore, staring down at the purple haired girl. She smiled joyfully at him, and he returned with a grin. 

She passed him saying nothing. DoomebelCartdore did not move an inch, until the purple haired girl spun round suddenly turning her pale face to the Headhumper, jammed her own mouth open and sounded a terrifying bone breaking screech. The Headhumper smiled and nodded his head. His only expression remained to be utter glee.

She turned quickly and ran!

A Product of My Science Fiction Seminar.

Our Sci Fi seminars often include a 20 minute period during which our lecturer asks us to spontaneously write something in class. 
A few weeks ago we had been studying Philip K Dick’s Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, and we were asked to write a piece about a personal family member, and the details surrounding the process of ordering a potential andy (android) as a helper in an off-world colony. 
My mother holds particular affection to Karl Kennedy, TV doctor in Australian soap, ‘Neighbours’. I decided hence that my mum’s android would reflect her admiration for Dr Karl. I found the results hilarious while writing it in class, but I truly think that what I’ve written is a sad product of my own obscure sense of humour. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Shelly Slater was ordering her perfect android helper. She was able to choose his features online and he would be custom made entirely to her liking. Of course, she picked facial features which made her andy strongly resemble Karl Kennedy, TV doctor and long suffering husband of Susan. Shelly aged her andy to around fourty seven years with weathered fine lines and a slim physique, giving him slightly more hair than the original model once fashioned. 

A week later, Karl arrived. Shelly found his on/off switch and booted him up excitedly. His initial mannerisms were not robotic in the least and he jumped to life almost exactly like a real human being. Now awakened, Karl stood to attention and smiled a childish grin at his new owner.

     ”Hello.” Shelly addressed her android cautiously.

     ”You like eggs?” Karl asked immediately. Shelly was confused. She regarded her andy carefully. His eyes stared meaningfully back at her.

     ”Your name is Karl.”

     ”I like eggs. Can we make an egg salad soon?”

     ”No.” answered Shelly firmly.

     ”You want a frittata?” inquired Doctor Karl. His grin had been replaced by a slight smile, which was accompanied by a mild look of anxiety in his robot eyes. He slowly began to move around the kitchen, opening cupboards and drawers, peeking hesitantly into the fridge, glancing back at Shelly as if hoping for direction.

    “I don’t have any eggs if that’s what you’re looking for.” Shelly said with disdain. “I’m really not hungry, I just want to chat to you!”

                                     A week   ~   or so later.

After a horrendously long day at work, Shelly stumbled through the door of her kitchen. She was exhausted, it had been a horrible day at the office, and she so hoped that Karl might have re-programmed himself, and would have the cup of tea that she was desperate for, waiting for her on the kitchen table. There was none. She heard a noise from somewhere nearby which alerted her, forcing her to drop her bags and coat and search the house. She found the pantry door open, and upon switching on the light, she saw Doctor Karl squatting on the floor with some kitchen equipment. He was breaking up Cadburys cream eggs before whisking the sugary mix in a bowl with a fork. 

    “What the hell are you going to do with that!?” Shelly snapped, losing her temper. 

    “I shall have to use the hob soon, Mrs Slater, is that alright?” 

Shelly ignored her android’s reply. She made herself a cup of tea and went to sit in a comfortable chair, donned her slippers and listened to the whisking of sugar syrup and the beating of a chocolate shell against glass. 

beatonna:

awkward

I’m reblogging something for the first time ever. Needs to be done.

beatonna:

awkward

I’m reblogging something for the first time ever. Needs to be done.

A Drowning Revelation

Money is given to the ice cream man
by the little girl, taking her lolly.
The crab that scuttles by the shore
has never sighed or cried,
as never was his make or design.
Perhaps as the sun hides beneath
a guilty alibi of purple cloud,
he will defy known science.

A dog detects a scent and barks
rigid in fright to the sea.
The beach falls still and people scream,
before running for their lives.
The water flat, the sound rips
through the humid stench of fear.
From the hill top, I see it here,
the wave. Thy kingdom come.

Baby Breaking
She’s lying in her crib.
The time has come to pass.
Fetch the rock and pillowcase.
The look of peace upon her face.
Each rising falling rib
of ivory and glass.

In oblivious bliss
she stirs from her sleep.
Perfume, charm and trusting smiles.
Swing and hit, she is no child.
She may not die on this
night yet, do not weep.